The Open Manuscript,
I sit here thinking maybe I’m just that bad. Pathetic at everything. Mom says right. I’m worthless and useless and no matter what I would try to do and no matter how I would try to rectify my mistakes i’ll still be the same reckless, impatient person. Yes I get jealous very easily and yes I tend to mull over things. Not once not twice but every time something happens. Yes that is my weakness. And yes it is true that I am an attention seeker. People call me that rightly. I want to be the center of everyone’s attention. Everyone whom I love. Their attention. Attention of those who’re the center of my attention. Oh but you know what? I’m termed as self centered and a mean person who only thinks about oneself. Well if doing things for others to make them happy is being called self centered then I’m one very self centered person. I try to do things rightly. I try to make people important to me happy. And I expect same loyalty trust and love in return. But, oh no!! I’m demanding! I’ve so many irrational demands!! I want my lover to send me morning texts or night texts that would remind me of him 24*7. I want my parents to give me emotional support and not just keep on blaming me for everything by saying we fulfill all your demands? Well then why not fulfill this demand of mine? Yes I get jealous when people go out for dinners with their families and friends. Because I’m one hell of a lonely person. I crave for the relations that people take for granted. If I had a chance I’ll beat their asses off and make them realize what they have. It hurts when I’m abused for almost everything. I don’t have a family that goes out together for dinner and I don’t have friends who would come to my home or plan a surprise for me on my special days and for my achievements. They’re a bunch of jealous bastards. But then I wonder jealous of what? No family. No friends. No outing. 24*7 of just nothingness. Then? Then I get reminded of my mother being right in calling me a useless and worthless person. And, And it hurts when people say ” what happened now “. Well you know what? Nothing happened NOW. Nothing happened before too. If you’re so bored and fed up then don’t encourage me to speak up.
I’m pissed because I want to go on trips. I want to run like a free person on a grass prairie. I wanna see the stars in an open sky. Maybe I do have irrational demands. Oh another one is I wanna find myself. I’ve lost myself in helping others and being always there for them. I’ve lost myself. I’ve fallen. I’ve fallen so hard and it was concrete down there on the ground. There weren’t soft grass grounds. Solid concrete. I demand things that no one can give me or things they never got for themselves . Hence they’re irrational demands.
And I cry because this is all that is there on my mind. Whether I’m attending a meeting or doing some important work. whether I’m in metro or looking out a window sill. Everything looks so god damn inviting to take my own life. I go deep down in sadness because I have no emotional anchor. People are so busy showing me their sorrows that they’ve forgotten to listen to mine, to see mine. And it hurts because people whom I have made important in my life have no time for me and can’t understand my words let alone my silence. And it freaking hurts to be a loner. It hurts so much that it won’t surprise me one bit if someday I take my own life.
Shivers run down my body and I just start to wonder would it matter to anyone if I just disappear suddenly? Maybe for a day or two. That would be enough right? To be the center of attention? Maybe I’m an attention seeker because I need someone to understand me. To be here for me. Like I’m there for them. How hard is it!?! And maybe if I just die, they’ll have a burden less. I can’t help but yelp at night, under my blankets. So that no one hears me when I’m howling. Of course i don’t want to justify my tears to people who won’t understand the language my silent tear marks speak.