Just like those screenshots in my phone,
The memories have faded too,
Now I can’t look back and cry to my heart’s content
When I’m missing you.
I now cannot re-read those conversations,
Cannot go back to relive
For once that made me happy,
And even till a while back it did.
The escalators, the parking,
The lunch dates, the car rides.
Suddenly everything looks like a desperate attempt,
To get back, what once I cherished.
No, the relationship is not over,
And he has not left me.
Still there is a void that I feel
For expectations mowed me.
“Don’t keep expectations,
They engulf and suffocate you.
It’s not worth it,
They will eat you”
And who will explain to this childlike heart
The one that functions on Id?
And who will explain the man,
For expectations you don’t keep-
They grow like a dispersed seed.
Your values and ideologies,
Your fantasies and dreams,
They function as the rain and
The sun’s gleam;
The heart that you have,
Sooner or later learns to keep lean.
I miss those messages,
The voice notes I received
They were my companions,
When the present didn’t give me.
I don’t know what changed and when,
How it got lost and the desire for routine came;
And suddenly, my impulsiveness towards him increased,
I cried every night
To have back what once gave me relief.
There was no third person
Just this ego,
Which continued to work like the white ants,
Destroying the remaining roots.
Threats and oscillating break ups,
Arguments, cries and blaming each other
That’s all that remains but it keeps me satisfied
For I am not ready, to give up
The relation, for which I lied.
For what I once put up a fight
With other women, my parents, my life
I am not yet ready to give up a part of me,
As it crazy as it may seem,
Its everything that keeps me alive.