The Open Manuscripts,
It all just does not matter. I am trying so hard to fit in. It doesn’t matter. It is like everything I do just backfires on me and I feel so betrayed not in my life but by my life.
I’m so lonely. I don’t have any one to go out with. No friends. At all. Top five people in my WhatsApp list are my relatives either talking amongst themselves or ranting about themselves. I feel so frustrated. I told them directly I don’t want to listen to them. I can’t be there for anyone anymore. It hurts when I reply to everyone’s issues but when I need them they are all suddenly busy. The elders are right, no one belongs to anyone in today’s world. Everyone is so selfish.
I have no friends to go on trips with, none for sleepovers, I feel so lonely at college that I have stopped going. I don’t care about my attendance I sleep all day, every day. And I intend to do that for coming months. And it is not like I have not tried from my side; I have and that’s why it hurts the most maybe. Somehow I reappear for my “friends” every time when they need something from me or from someone who knows me. It is all just so wrong that I feel suffocated in my skin. It is hard. And sad. And I do not want to try anymore. I’m just done. It all has ended for me.
I just want to go out and have fun, like normal people do. Two days are too much to ask for. But maybe it is my mistake. Shouldn’t have asked my parents for it. How did I think that when I am not allowed to put on something as eye liner then how can I ever be allowed to go out with no one but with them. Under their wings? No. In their leash.
I feel like I m a project. ” let us do this.”, ” no no no my parents refused for this, let’s do that”, “don’t go out with friends”, “don’t wear this”, “don’t miss college”, ” you’re of no use”, “why don’t you just leave us alone?”.
And I don’t know how do I explain it to them that these trivial things are important to me. I have never done them and now that it is my age I want to. now that it is my age? No. my age is almost over to do such stuff. i have made no memories, neither at school nor at college. I feel like a failure. Good for nothing. I feel so choked. Maybe someday I will leave them alone.
I constantly feel that I have failed at every level of relationships and every stage of life. And if so many people hate me, problem has to be my existence.